Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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