I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
