you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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