people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
