There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
