I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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