im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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