it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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