I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
