how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
