Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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