i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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