I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
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