Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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