I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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