guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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