im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I wear drunk well.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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