He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
This toilet bowl is my home.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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