The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
