Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
time to smoke my breakfast
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
