We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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