she kept yelling 'call me bella'
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
