but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He? As in you personified your dick?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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