smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
3 2 1 whiskey
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I woke up under a house in Key West
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