Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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