I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
