I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
