blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
