How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
