thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
