you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
