shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
