she woke up with a sticky ear
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
