My Higher Power is John Stamos
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
