i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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