Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
