Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
