I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
