This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
