Sry I called you an 8
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
