the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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