dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
