SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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