It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
