I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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