my phone needs a breathalizer
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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