can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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