Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
