do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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