i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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