so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
